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Day 5: The Topic Whose Name Shall Not Be Spoken

(NOTE: I was not planning on posting any pictures of cutie-pie-panini or family members.  But then I got over myself and realized that privacy is not really an issue when the only people who read your blog is your sisters and your favorite friend Allison.  Hi Allison.  I owe you a facebook reply, I KNOW!)

Can you believe it was 82 degrees in Oakland on Superbowl Sunday!!??

Can you believe how many people chose to sit inside on a couch with this kind of weather!?

I soaked it in with some walking around the neighborhood and lake.  It's so magical to have a hot day like this in February, but I'm terrified to think what this means Summer will be like.  If days continue to be 30 degrees warmer than normal, then....will it be 110 degrees this July? Please no :(

Soaking in the sun, Capastrano Beach

One sucky thing about Sunday is I was going to make a Target trip with a gift card for $100 that I received over the holidays.   Right before leaving, I searched high and low for the card and couldn't find it anywhere.  WAAAAA!  I was pretty angry and upset.  Still am.  I love Target and had been dreaming about the ways I would spend it (eyeliner, headband, nut mixes, photo frame, jeans).  Stupid gift cards always seem to be a secret way to lose money.
Wearing Target clothes.  Proof that I love Target

On Saturday I went on a delicious hike at Mt. Diablo State Park with the cutie-pie-panini and our friend from law school + his fiance.  There was some major steepness, which somehow made my big ole runners calves sore (you'd think all my hill running would have gotten the calves in shape for hill hiking, but no).

Although the weather was in the 70's, there were two insanely windy parts as we neared the peak of the Mountain.  I decided to call it the Wind of Passion, which made it more fun to suffer through (ahoy, up ahead! It is the Wind of Passion again! Prepare to outwit it!)
Hiking in 2008

Today I worked at home from 7:00 a.m. until noon, then went for a long-ass 19.4 mile run.  It was very flat and easy (up and down Broadway and Telegraph avenues), and so felt much less painful to me than a 16 mile hilly run.  It felt really nice to run in the warmth of the sun (another 70 degree day) and to sweat -- normally in the winter, I don't sweat.

We arrive at Topic # 5: A Time I Thought About Ending My Own Life


Yeesh.  What a Debbie Downer of a topic.

I have never been depressed enough to truly have that kind of thought.  In fact, I have a lot of anxiety about death and the fleetingness of life.

What I'll address instead is 3 periods in my life during which I did feel some degree of depression.

1) The transition from 6th grade elementary school to 7th grade middle school.

My elementary school was the coolest.  It was so innocent and clean and sweet and small.  Everyone knew everyone, girls and boys never went further than kissing, I could wear boxer shorts to school and play soccer at recess, and half of my friends were in the grade below me due to a 5th/6th combo class.
Don't worry I grew up to be happy and innocent again

I was utterly miserable the first month of middle school.  I had prepared myself to be miserable, even planned it, because unlike many others who were excited to move on to a bigger experience, I wanted to cling to my 6th grade desk where all my friends were.

I was terrified to see 8th grade "boys" who had facial hair already.  I was gagging when I heard about girls giving blow jobs.  I was nauseous about having to actually dance in front of people at a school dance. 

But long story short, I got over it within a month and grew to love it.  Things only got better, and high school remains a time of almost exclusively fantastic memories.

2) My first semester of law school grades.

I got my first C grade ever.  Well, it was a C+.  I questioned my intelligence and became convinced I was an idiot for pretty much the first half of law school.

But cutie-pie was busy sweeping me off my feet, so things really weren't all that bad.
This was our 6 month anniversary (but we are dressed up for a boat dance with friends)

on our first vacation together

3) January 2011: entering the real world.

After 3.5 years of being spoiled enough to spend every hour of every day with my boyfriend, except for hours when I was running or we were taking different classes, our respective jobs started this January.

It jolted me out of fantasty-land to realize we would now NOT be seeing each other for more hours of the day than we would be seeing each other.  I truly couldn't stand it.  I fantasized about winning the lottery and robbing banks or moving off the grid and farming, just so we could escape the rat-race and live a valuable life that included spending as much time together as possible.
I wish we were doing this instead of working

I'm still working on this one.  It's been four weeks, and my attitude towards it has improved.  My boyfriend enjoys his job so far, which makes it easier to be supportive.  Still, I don't value work.  I think it is really sad to be trapped in an office all day.  I wish I had realized this before law school so I could have pursued a career that involved being outside or on my feet, but then I wouldn't have met cutie-pie-panini.

cest la freakin vie.