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Baby Talk

RUNNING

Wednesday: 4 miles intervals
Thursday: 17.2 miles before work
Friday: none.  See Thor, remember than Natalie Portman ruins everything.  I think I'm going to do a post proving this, so be on your toes
Saturday: 19.6 miles
Sunday: Intend to do a Jillian, get really tired from a Costco trip and scratch my plans.  so none.

 BABY TALK

I live in a relatively liberal, progressive part of our country.

People here are fully accepting of:

  1. Women CEO's
  2. Openly gay, lesbian, bi, and transgendered individuals and relationships
  3. ultra- vegan - organic - locally grown/bred restaurants
  4. Closing main roads to cars so that bikers and pedestrians can flood them.
  5. Closing down streets to make a "mini-park"
  6. Hopping into strangers' cars for "casual carpool" (I use this system religiously)
  7. Banning plastic grocery bags
  8. Building organic gardens in elementary schools, used for school lunches

People here are not fully accepting of:

A women who does not want to have kids.

How have I come to realize this?  I do not want to have kids.

However, I adore kids.  On Saturday, a 7-year-old painted this rose on me!


I've known this my entire life.  I was never that kid dreaming of a wedding, followed shortly after by rocking a baby.


Continuing into adulthood, when I was 18 I had no interest in kids at all -- neither having one, nor being near one.  They always seemed to run into my legs in grocery stores.

Teenage roserunner, a little too into boing-boing curls to be interested in kids


I was told that my "inner-clock" would tick within the next 7 years or so and my mind would change.

By the time I was 22, I started to like kids.  I was tutoring ages 5 though 17, and growing strong relationships with a lot of them.  I really loved some of those kids.

These 4th graders charmed me to pieces.  I miss them



By the time I was 24, cutie-pie-panini's friends began having babies (he is 5 years my senior), and babies were introduced into my immediate life.   I thought it was wonderfully exciting and I was enthralled to be able to have these new loves in my life.

I LOVE this little pumpkin!!!!!!

But, not once, not even for one fleeting moment, have I had the urge to have my own child.

I don't know where this feeling is supposed to come from, or how most women know that they so definitely want to devote themselves to motherhood for the REST of their lives.

All I know is that I simply do not share that feeling.  I feel complete in my life, completed by the people in it, and have no urges to add extra stress -- and extra love -- to my life.

If I ever had a child, still feeling how I do today, it would be for one reason only: out of the fear of regret.

That is a real fear, -- that when I am 40+ and conceiving becomes more difficult (although, there is no way of knowing that I would succeed at that even now anyway), my "biological clock" will finally start ticking and I will want a child.  But will no longer be able to do it naturally.

At some point, I will have to decide whether to follow my instincts (not to have a child), or cave into my fear (and have a child in fear of regret).

Back to the non-acceptance of choosing to be a childless woman:

people are SHOCKED when this information is dug out of me.

My former boss/professor: "When you have kids, blah blah blah"
Me:  oh -- I don't plan to have kids.
Professor: "WHAT?! what do you mean?  You mean you NEVER plan to have kids?  Never!?!?"

My mom, who knows I currently do not want kids: "OH you'll see, I was the exact same way as you when I was your age, and then suddenly SNAP.   I neeeeeeded to have a baby.  Just needed to."
She's been telling me this for at least 10 years now.  Still waiting for that SNAP.

Grandma-in-law, to Panini: "I was thinking, I hope you're gonna give me a girl" (spoken after meeting her two newborn great-grandsons from Panini's siblings)
Me: ohhhhh, you should check with me on that first.  I'm not planning on having kids.
Grandma-in-law:  gasp!  [looking sooooo heartbroken :( ]

Other friends and family upon learning I don't want kids: Run through a list of reasons that I should change my mind.  "It doesn't change your ability to do all the things you love, you can still be spontaneous and bring them camping, the sleeping is only terrible for the first xx weeks..."

Strangers and everyone else in the world:  "when you have kids, you'll blah blah blah blah"

Sometimes I feel like a freak.  I have a few friends who have expressed similar feelings, so I know I'm not alone.

Another sweetheart that I LOVE.


at one time, I was also convinced I wanted to be single forever.  truly.  I just really, really craved living alone and having privacy, and couldn't imagine the horror of having to share so much time and space with one person.

Then of course, I met panini, and started moping when law school ended and our jobs started, which meant we no longer were spending 24/7 together anymore.

so things can change.

We look so HOT with a baby!  Maybe it's time to reconsider, for vanity's sake!

In the meantime, I feel pretty isolated with my choice. 

Have you made any choices that make you feel like a freak?