I Don't Mean to Be Mean

Oh boy.

I don't know quite how to do this.  But it has been brought to my attention that there is something I should probably address and clarify up in here.  Up in "Rose Runner", whatever and whoever that is.

I feel that I have an angry job.  Many days of the week are spent "fighting" with opposing counsel, through nasty letters, phone calls, formal motions, or at a court hearing.  Many other days of the week, certain people in the office are stressed and pressed for time, which can spread a less-than-rosy mood around.

When I am out of the office and I get to be myself, I really value escaping this atmosphere.  I love not playing the game of win or lose (which is what litigation is), and I enjoy not having to craft arguments.  I do not want to spend any of my precious personal time being angry, or mean.

Now.  I have, from time to time, written "controversial" posts.  We're not talking abortion or gay marriage here (pro both, obviously...I do live in the bay area).  We're talking "here is this running related thing that I think is overrated."  This is true enough to my character -- I started this blog with the goal of being myself, expressing my thoughts, and not dumbing it down to be that awesome blogger who always talks in happy exclamations!! 

Somewhere along the way, I think some readers (some -- maybe just 3, maybe 100, I really don't know) have grown to interpret my writing style as mean.  As unkind, or presumptuous, or catty.  But there is something I need you to know.

FIRST: my brain goes 2834982 miles per second.  I literally cannot meditate for 6 seconds.  Literally. Of the millions of thoughts I have per day, about 0.0000000000000003% of them make it on the blog.  Maybe even less.  So when you read a post, you are not necessarily reading something I feel strongly about, or that I spent much time thinking about.  You're reading some off the cuff thoughts, many of which I change my mind about within the week, month, year.

Meditating in nature? No. Wrong.  Actually, I'm thinking about stuff. Lotsa stuff.

SECOND: I am a nice person.  I really am.  Somebody, vouch for me on this?  I do not hate one single blogger in this whole wide internet.  I do not dislike one single blogger.  I don't even hate Natalie Portman, despite all the grief I give her terrible movies (Blaaacckkk Swaaannnnn, Nooooooo!) I may not love certain content, and fine enough, right?  But as long as you are a good person who doesn't kill, rape, or steal (excluding stealing images from the internet, guilty here) then I totally like you.  Please, and sincerely, I want to extend a virtual hug to you as an apology if you ever think I have been unkind or unfair to you.

Loooook at that....I'm sweet! I swear!

THIRD: I am a critical person.  I am critical of certain aspects of myself, and the people that surround me.  I am critical of the movies, books, magazines, music, and food that I pay for.  I have learned that when you are critical on the internet, the tone can be interpreted by others more harshly than intended.  By making a remark of criticism, I am not trying to hurt anyone; I am just voicing those thoughts in my head.

Wine Critic

This wine gets a high score of "tastes like every other white wine I've ever had"

FOURTH: I can not change the way I write.  I am sure there will be some other "controversial" post in the future.  I just ask that you take it with a grain of salt, and if it offends you, let me know so that I can set things right.

Phew.  OK.  Is that clear? I'm sorry. I will try and tame myself a little.

I CAN be tamed


I have got to stop being so competitive with myself, or I'm going to keel over on the treadmill one of these days.

In an attempt to one-up myself from my last tempo treadmill run (9.27 miles in one hour), I did the following this morning:

9.39 miles in one hour (avg. pace 6:23)
1.0 incline (moved down to 0.5 incline somewhere around minute 48.  I was struggling).
Minutes:              Speed:
1-16                     9.5 (6:18 min/mile)
16-32                   9.4 (6:22 min/mile)
32-60                   9.3 (6:27 min/mile)

This was HARD hard.  My face was beet red afterwards.  My hip, as usual, locked my leg up at the 50 minute point.  But darn it, I wanted to push it harder than the week before! So I forged ahead!

I'm really hoping my future self will understand that I should not continue to reach higher...I seriously have no room for improvement right now.  9.39 miles in one hour! Cummon, that's good enough, right!? Please!?

Whatever.  I'm sure I'll somehow push it harder next week.

p.s. it's true, no one at my gym bats an eye at the fact that I am the one crazy person flying sweat in every direction, pumping the speed up and up and up.  Actually, I can't confirm this is true.  I'm usually just staring into space, and when I'm running hard, I'm too busy distracting myself in my head to notice people around me.

Are we good? Can we hug? 

Do you compete with yourself when you run, or with other people around you?