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ShittyBlogger

Hi, I'm a blog about health and running.  I found running and it turned my life around.  I used to be 10 pounds fatter than super thin.  Ew! Look at me now.  Inspiring! I get A LOT of questions about the fact that this is so inspiring, like, "fact: you are so inspiring?" So, on a regular rotation, I present to you my hard-earned expert knowledge that you have sadly not been able to learn on your own.  That's too bad for you.  Check in here every day so you can be less sad.*

*Actually guaranteed to make you more sad.

FIRST, this is so important and not obvious.  It is such a uniquely "ME" idea that I am in the process of trademarking it. Go to your local running shoe store, and get fitted for a great pair of running shoes! (trademarked). This makes a huge difference.  Even if the person who helps you is 16 years old, has never run, and is tweeting the Biebs the entire time, they will find you the PERFECT shoe.  Before you visit the store, you will probably notice that you fall a lot and trip sideways while trying to run in your normal $40 running shoes, and some toes (not toenails, toes) will fall off.  SO get fitted by a store that offers running shoes at no discount!  You cannot run by trying shoes on by yourself or looking information up online.  You HAVE to go to your local running shoe store.  Otherwise you'll get slower and fatter.

Buy stuff

SECOND.  This is brand new.  Hot off the press.  This is a secret potion mystery piece of advice.  Never before heard.  The advice is....foam roll. Ideally, you should get 17 different kinds of appliances to rub your body against.  Sticks, balls, foam rollers with bumps and spikes, and foam rollers in size tiny, little, medium, large, and couch. You're welcome.

I use these they are great, and they fit in your pocket

Third.  Once, I tried running in a cotton shirt, and it was absolutely fine and nothing bad happened at all!  NEVERTHELESS, I highly, highly recommend that you click on this link and buy this special tech fabric t-shirt for $35, BUT WAIT, with code "shittyblogger" you get it for $31.27 instead! Free for me, $31.27 for you.  I can't reiterate enough how little of a difference this makes when it comes to actual running performance and comfort, but you admire me and I'm a REAL RUNNER and I wear this shirt (cause it was free).  Stop thinking, turn your brain off and just listen to what I am telling you: buy this shirt for $31.27 more than I paid for it.

Fourth.  Look CUTE while you run!  I have permanent eye damage from foundation running into my eyeballs with sweat while I run, but since my admirers often spot me while running this is simply non-negotiable.  Definitely worth the eye damage.  Mark my words: nothing about running matters more than how you LOOK while running.  Which reminds me also, go buy stripey socks for $86.66 because they make your legs look more dainty.  Big runner legs are gross.

I disagree with this so hard that I am insulted that it exists 

Fifth, go above and beyond running for crying out loud! Otherwise you will be boring! don't be boring! Things that you need to also do include: yoga; burpees; pilates; mountain climbers; PLANKS; marathons; ultra-marathons; triathlons; body pump; ballerina twirls; six more planks; have an elaborate engagement; plan a wedding for a year; and have a baby.  That's a FACT.  Have a baby.  fact.

Sixth, always take a rest day! Take the full day off and just lie in the bed with your limbs splayed out like a starfish, don't even move once all day.  Eat extra donuts.  That's what YOU should do.  On MY rest day, however, I take a bikram yoga class and teach two spin classes, and then go on a 4 mile walk with a dog I found, and then a 3 mile walk with whoever will listen to me gossip. Then a 30-minute shred video. I love my rest days, it's a great opportunity to be lazy and recharge!  

rest day!
Last, but not least: be genetically gifted with attractive genes.  If you want to be successful at managing a blog for other women to be inspired and admire you, it is so important that you have enviable looks.  Be humble and self-deprecating about it.  Call yourself a lard so that people with 12% body fat feel like a double lard.  Being attractive is more important than writing well because you can use 8 pictures in your blog post, and then use just 35 words. For example, I learned how to write by reading Sweet Valley High books and now I have a blog read by millions! People read because they think some of my good looks and graceful lifestyle will rub off on them! haha! what an idea.  Nobody can be perfect like me.  That's why I'm the one with so many admirers.

Author's note: based on true stories.